Friday, February 18, 2011


This is pretty much how I'm feeling these days. Sara has been asking me to update this blog for weeks now because she's sick of looking at my Christmas picture (can't say as I blame her) but I don't have anything witty or even in the least bit silly to write about. I'm looking at this picture now and this is exactly how I feel. Almost six years ago we took a young girl into our home and hearts. At the time we were very conflicted as to whether we were doing the right thing considering it was our youngest son's girlfriend. But, she was so easy to love and needed some stability in her life that it seemed the only thing to do.
Due to an unfortunate decision on her part, they are no longer together. I've thought about this over the years, how would this affect our family dynamics should a breakup occur, and would it be awkward? I guess I always assumed that if they were ever to end their relationship that it would be a mutual decision where they had just grown apart, or if not that, cordial, perhaps bitter and hurtful for a time and then eventually we would still be "family" and I could still buy belly dancing outfits for her, or meet her for lunch with lots of hugs and sincere happiness with just the thought of being with my daughter.
Apparently I'm still naive in my advancing age because as things stand, I can't see it ever happening. Too much has happened, too many twists and turns...and yet I still feel conflicted. If I just shut her out of my life now because of her actions, does that mean all the feelings I've had over the years have been fake? Has calling her my daughter been a lie? My heart is aching for my son right now. The emotional upheaval he is experiencing is ripping me apart. As a mother my first instinct is to comfort and protect him. But what about her? I'm angry, hurt, disappointed and well, disgusted with her right now and I'm finding it so very, very hard to feel my motherly instincts for her....and that makes me sad too.
She's out of our lives by her own I guess I'm left to do the only thing I can do under the circumstances which is to take care of my son the best I can and hope that someday the pain of all this lessens and I can let her back into my heart. I just can't do that right now and I feel guilty and then I sway the other way where I think, well, she apologized for what she put us through by text messaging me and honestly was kind of "matter of fact" about the whole thing so it doesn't seem like she needs me, she's getting all her advice and support from her new friends.
I don't know. All I know is I was listening to my iPod at work this morning and a song started up that was "her" and I had to close my office door for a few minutes to compose myself.
It's hard for me to think right now. My thoughts are jumbled in my head and I can't seem to unravel them into coherent sentences. I'm broken.

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