Friday, March 14, 2008

Incredibly sad pity party kind of day

This has been one of those "retrospective" kind of days. You know what I mean, the sort of day where you can't stop thinking about all the things you've messed up, are going to mess up and will continue to mess up. Then you start thinking about the things you shouldn't have done, should have done and will probably never do. Ok, maybe I'm being a little too cryptic or overly dramatic but I truly feel like my life is such a mess right now.
I recently wrote about my one job that I so want to quit. I've never written about the other job that has made my life a living hell. How do I rate having two jobs that I don't like?
I'm at a place right now where honest to God, I do not know what to do. I'm so conflicted...so confused, so unsure.
I've always wanted to be the kind of happy-go-lucky person that everyone loves, and says things like, "She's so wonderful. She never complains about ANYTHING, and always has such a positive attitude about life in general." Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen...not in this life time I'm afraid. I'd love to be that kind of person and have people say that sort of thing about me when I'm gone.
I took this clinic job with the hope that not only would I be helping my mother financially, but I would also being doing something 'good' and helping people who really needed it. My heart was truly in the right place. It still is. That's where the problem lies. I knew before I took the job that I should probably give it a lot of serious thought before accepting. I heard the stories about the doctor and his temper and yet I decided to go for it just the same.
I started out with all the hopes and dreams a new job can offer. The chance to possibly make a difference in the life of someone else...to help people who cannot help themselves. To offer hope.
In the 7 months that I've been there, I've been yelled at, had a binder tossed at me during a meeting, listened to about 67 diatribes, been threatened with losing my job on the spot, heard my immediate supervisor who happens to be 7 months pregnant take a tongue lashing on a daily basis, and had him repremand other employees in my presence. Yesterday my supervisor and the brand spanking new nurse practitioner we've had for less than a month were 'dismissed' from the clinic. They're still employed, but are not to report to the clinic any longer. It was supposedly for their safety. They aren't allowed to have any communication with the rest of us (like I'm going to let anyone tell me who I can and can't talk to ) and it's just a big, frickin' mess. I don't need the stress. I don't need the drama. It sure would be easy if I could say, "Peace, out!" and walk away. But I can't. I have come to know these patients and love them. I love seeing how well they're doing and making sure they have a chance at a wonderful life. I don't want to leave them. And then there is another reason I can't just walk out. What will happen to these kids? Will this doctor be terminated and someone else take over for him? Will we lose our grant?
I know it's all his fault. He's been warned and warned of his behavior. He's been written up numerous times. Yet he refuses to change. Those who do not work with him see him as this glorious knight in shining armour. I know I did at one point in time. I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Then I got up and went to my second day of work. Nuff said.
So here I sit. Another night of crying...another night of wondering how in the hell did I get here and how can I get out? Another night of no real answers and perseverating on the same things. And then my mother tells me they're raising her rent by almost $40 a month. Fabulous. I'm beside myself with joy. I was just thinking to myself the other day that I don't have enough bills to pay...that I wish I could find a way to spend every stinkin' dime of my paycheck every month. Wow...guess you really do need to be careful what you wish for. Financially I can't quit either job unless I get another one..or two. Both of the jobs I have now are part time even though I work 5 full days a week.
Enough of my pity party for tonight. I realize that in the big scheme of things my problems are quite small. I can keep this in perspective but I'm hating my life right about now and have let all this bullshit bring me to my knees.
Tomorrow is another day..and maybe I'll snap out of it by then...yeah, until I go back to work on Monday that is.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.Everything will work out and you will be happy.Trust me.
Sharon

Anonymous said...

I know how difficult this situation is for you and I wish I could help you. Keep your chin up and maybe this will be over soon.
Karen

Amanda Cheek said...

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Things will start looking better soon. I know it. Just hang in there girl. You're strong!

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are in a tough position. I had no idea you were dealing with this because you always seem so happy.I am here for you if you need to talk. Debbie

SuzyB said...

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) xx