Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm a danger to myself and possibly others

We'll start with these. Look at those pills. This is their actual size. No, really, it is. Recently I was in need of one of these horse pills and realizing that I have a difficult time swallowing pills, I "almost" cut it in half but thought I was being a big baby and decided to suck it up (no pun intended) and be done with it. I took the pill (in a wheel barrow) and a glass of water into the bathroom so I wouldn't embarrass myself if I gagged or eeeckk, even threw up. Ok, so I'm in the bathroom and I take a huge gulp of water and sure enough, I start to gag on the pill. Now I'm gonna get a little visual here folks so turn your head if you must. Usually gagging either makes the pill go down or causes it to fly out of my mouth with great velocity. It did neither this time. It lodged it in my throat, completely obstructing my airway. I'm pounding myself on the chest, trying my hardest to draw in a breath and....nothing. I'm beginning to panic. I know that my mother and Betina are in the family room and I don't want to alarm mom but I am starting to see spots before my eyes and I realize I'm about to pass out and I need help NOW. I remembered that Scott was working in the garage so I run, still gasping for air and beating on my chest. I make it to the garage where the look on my face coupled with the sound of me trying to breathe gets his attention immediately. He's asking me what is wrong and I'm so freaked out I can't even do the universal sign for choking. I just keep beating my chest like King Kong and Scott is basically paying Pictionary trying to figure out what is wrong. He thinks I'm having an asthma attack and when I shake my head to that he figures it out pretty quickly. Whew, guess all that medial training finally paid off. By now I'm convinced that I'm going to pass out and subsequently die when he turns me around to do the Heimlich. Now, in his defense, I don't know that he's ever had to actually perform the Heimlich on anyone...and if he has I'm sure it was on a kid (since he's a kid doc) but damn...the hand placement was all wrong. I mean, if I wanted to have my spleen ruptured it was a good bet that would happen, but as it was it wouldn't have dislodged a pill that was slowly eroding my esophagus. Sorry honey, I'm just keeping it real and don't worry, I won't sue you for malpractice. I bent over, stuck my fingers down my throat, gagged and started throw up and it moved down my throat. I had a sore throat for about 2 days but I lived to tell about it. Moral of the story: when in doubt cut the pill in half....and don't run to a pediatrician who is cleaning lawn tools and can't find your belly button. ok, I admit that I was wearing some weird clothes that day which probably didn't help with the location of the belly button...happy now?
I have these measuring cups. The only difference is that one of mine is now without it's handle. I'll tell you why. It's because I was cleaning the kitchen after a long morning of baking goodies and my mind was a little preoccupied with thoughts of saving the world when I turned on the garbage disposal and wham-o!!! Apparently the smallest of measuring cups fell into the disposal and was being ground into oblivion. As I reached for the switch a huge piece of metal flew out and grazed me across the temple. It was the handle. Wow...totally didn't expect that. With just the slightest of injuries and a minimal amount of blood, I survived. The measuring cup is toast and I now cannot make anything that needs 1/4 of a cup so don't expect much from me, ok?
So...I almost my own hand (s).....with no help from anyone. That's just plain sad. And stupid. It could be that the purpose of my life is only to serve as a warning to others.


Crystal Martin said...

oh Ruth, I love the way you right. Hysterical. Love you, glad you survived.

PennyChristine said...

I am so glad you're back...and alive. :)

frankieDARLING said...

Oh god, this had me laughing but I'm glad you are okay!